


The Vant-ass is Van-tastic

by Cadorean



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Smut, Shameless Smut, Smut, but ANGRY SLASH isnt a tag, do me a solid, humanstuck maybe, i would write yall a kankri x signless portion, it doesnt change the smut, make ANGRY SLASH a tag, srsly is smut guise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-07
Updated: 2014-11-07
Packaged: 2018-02-24 11:03:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2579252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cadorean/pseuds/Cadorean
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nepeta has dinner with the Vantas's and has a fabulous conversation about the proud heritage of the famous Vantas rump.</p><p>Afterward, she scrutinizes said rump on the youngest of the Vantas men.</p><p>Then she beds said rump.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Vant-ass is Van-tastic

Nepeta sat awkwardly at the Vantas' decrepit table.

Her boyfriend had invited her over for dinner, an opportunity she'd gladly take. I mean, free food? Sounds like a plan. She and Karkat had been dating for a couple months already, and while she had a passing acquaintance with Mr. Vantas and Karkat's older brother Kankri, she'd never spent any significant amount of time around them. Karkat's eccentric father had prepared for them a taupe paste with small chunks of indeterminate matter floating in it, a most appetizing dish rest assured, and despite it's horrid appearance and even more alien texture, it didn't taste like shit.

"So, Nepeta," Karkat's bizarre father started, "how's your knowledge of fashion?"

Nepeta was somewhat befuddled by the question. "It'll do. Why?"

"Father wishes to share with you a story, no doubt." Kankri was an ass when he spoke, his feigned "holier-than-thou" coming off as a tad north of grating. "And, granted your response, will probably delight us with yet another visit to his personal favorite. Father, if you may, please attempt to refrain from scaring off our guest. Or your sons."

"Pardon?" Nepeta was confused by the big words and fancy grammar and wasn't quite sure whether anything in that should scare her or insult her.

"We Vantas men are famous for exceptional size and strength with a certain part of our anatomy." Vantas the eldest gave Nepeta the slightest smirk and the faintest of eyebrow wiggles. Nepeta started to go pale from the forthcoming torrent of creepy, and Karkat quickly came in to specify.

"Our asses. He means our asses. The Vantas family has a few underwear models in it, which gives dad crazy ideas about our asses being magical or something."

"I think your ass is pretty magical," Nepeta muttered to herself, smirking faintly. She winked at Karkat, which caused him to recoil slightly in his seat. Nepeta wasn't used to being brazen around others, but something gave her the impression that these folks wouldn't terribly mind.

"Oh, how Karkat under-sells it. The Vantas derriere is known far and wide for its strong yet supple curves, the way it fills out a pair of briefs so perfectly, and we can't forget the famous Vantas rump dimples."

Nepeta's heart began to flutter in her chest and it took a great effort not to spit out her sludge at the last part. "Sorry, did you say rump dimples?"

"We have dimples. On our asses. It's not an uncommon trait, but ours for some reason are able to be monetized." Karkat was blushing furiously having to say this. He had sunken so far in his seat that he was barely visible over his bowl of slop, and was shooting daggers at his father, wishing to be rid of this line of conversation.

Kankri was getting a strange kick out of seeing his brother stewing so, but still felt a moral obligation to help. "Father, you're being rather crass in front of our guest and embarrassing poor Karkat. He invited his friend over for a wholesome evening of dinner then presumably coitus, and here you are making it seem like we have no class."

Karkat nearly lost his teeth at that, but Nepeta couldn't help but feel a little curious. Despite the duration of their relationship, they'd never actually engaged in such an act, although they were of that age and she was feeling the throes of her endocrine crying out in protest at her virginity. Granted Karkat's sour nature she was pretty sure that he was a virgin too, despite his looks (and apparent wizard buttocks). While there was a flock of girls at school that pawned after him despite his salty nature, he didn't seem to pay them much mind. She was enjoying seeing Karkat a little bit vulnerable, and decided that tonight was as good a time as any to get it over with.

The rest of the "dinner" went relatively smoothly, with Karkat staying for the most part under the table and Nepeta fighting down the urge to tease him more. After the table was cleared and the dishes washed, Kankri and Vantas the eldest retired to the porch with a couple of cigars, leaving the young couple alone in the house.

"So," Nepeta started, "Karkat's got himself a booty worth having."

Karkat's blush creeped back over his face. "Yeah. What of it?"

"Show me." This was it. Nepeta said what could not be unsaid, and she was ready for whatever may follow. Karkat blushed harder, and slowly turned around and unbuttoned his pants. He always wore loose cargo pants, so they fell around his knees easily enough. Nepeta crept over to Karkat while his back was turned, and firmly grasped it in her hand. "This is indeed a mighty fine booty."

Nepeta was screaming on the inside, all of her actions were so alien to her, yet her tendency towards roleplaying let her disassociate from what she was doing. At that moment, she wasn't Nepeta Leijon, high school junior and virgin, she was Nepeta Leijon, brave and brazen huntress. She kept that at the forefront of her mind as she wrapped her other hand around Karkat's front, clutching at his lean chest. Karkat slowly turned around and stared Nepeta dead in the eyes, and from his furious blush and unwillingness to turn his hips, Nepeta could infer that he was already sailing full mast. Nepeta sent her hand down towards Karkat's Lil' Karkat, and he quickly pulled her into a hard kiss. It was rougher than they usually kissed, with him shooting his tongue into her mouth frantically, desperately searching for something to pull back into his. Nepeta was startled, but gave in and began to kiss Karkat back. She resumed her hand's descent, and stopped herself at the waistband of his briefs. Karkat began to turn around fully, and reached a hand around to Nepeta's rump as well. He was a little rough and shaky from the nerves, but she was still excited to have him touching her. After a moment he seemed to calm down, and his groping got to be gentler and more rhythmic. His fingers seemed to dance under her waistband without her realizing, and his skin was cold against her, but she was excited by the sensation. After a few moments of this, Karkat broke away from Nepeta, and pulled his hands around to her front, and led Nepeta by the hand to his bedroom.

Karkat locked the door behind them, and immediately resumed kissing Nepeta. This time, his hands made quick work of undoing her shorts and dropping them to the floor. Nepeta got excited and began to rub Karkat's erection through his pants, but he made that a non-option when he grabbed her by the waist and flopped her back onto his bed. He knelt down by Nepeta's thighs, and gave her an evil grin she'd never seen on him before. He kissed at her inner thighs, slowly working his way towards her already moist panties. Right before he reached his destination he stopped and kissed Nepeta on the mouth again, this time with her furiously kissing him back. He returned to her thighs and licked her through the panties, with the lightest touch he could manage, which made Nepeta squeal. Karkat stopped and immediately asked her what was wrong, to which Nepeta could only barely muster a squeak of a "keep going." Karkat dutifully complied, licking Nepeta as gingerly as he could. Nepeta quickly enough wrapped her legs around him, pulling him in, and begging "please more." Karkat carefully pulled Nepeta's panties to the side with his tongue, and began licking Nepeta a little harder and a little faster. She squeezed him tighter with her legs, which he took as a cue to plunge his tongue deep into her pussy. Nepeta's back arched, and she had to bite her knuckle to keep from screaming, and just like that Karkat stopped again. Nepeta growled at him to keep going, but Karkat had already come back up to resume kissing her. She took the opportunity to roll Karkat onto his back, and dropped herself down to Karkat's waist. She hurriedly pulled Karkat's pants and underwear off, and was nearly poked in the eye by Karkat's erection springing out at her. She licked her lips as seductively as she could, and started licking Karkat's member from base to tip. He shuddered at her touch, and put a hand on her head and guided her to start sucking. Nepeta's mouth was dainty to say the least, and she wasn't quite able to fit his dick in it without her teeth getting in the way, but Karkat didn't much seem to either mind or notice. She bobbed up and down the way they did in all of her pornos, and she mostly just hoped that she was doing it right. Her blowjob didn't last very long, as Karkat came nearly immediately, but even after cumming he was still rock hard. Karkat pulled Nepeta into a kiss, and shimmied the pair of them totally onto his bed. Nepeta started griding against Karkat, and Karkat picked her hips up and gently set them onto his erection. Nepeta slammed down hard and arched her back again, crying out this time, to which Karkat responded by bucking almost instinctively. The two of them held still until they got used to the sensation, and Karkat resumed his awkward thrusting. Nepeta bit him hard on the shoulder to keep from screaming too loud, which made Karkat wince a little, but he quickly came to enjoy the sensation. They continued in their awkward gyrations for a few minutes, until Karkat began to reach his limit. With a hard thrust he bucked Nepeta off of him, and came all over her back and thighs. The two of them lay awkwardly for a few minutes more, until Karkat got the energy to say, "I love you." Nepeta smiled, and responded, "Love you too."

The two of them snuggled for a while more, until it came about time for Nepeta to return home, at which point they slowly got themselves dressed, tried to make themselves at least somewhat presentable, and returned to the main room, wherein a certain Kankri Vantas sat in waiting with a smirk on his face and a camera in his hands. "You really should think about keeping quiet, or better yet, fucking while your family isn't within earshot. By the way, congratulations." Kankri snapped a quick photo of the couple, much to Karkat's disgust, and slithered on back to the porch to likely share his victory with their father. Nepeta giggled, kissed Karkat on the cheek, and whispered to him, "we really should do that again sometime soon."

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first smut, please be gentle with me senpai~
> 
> As a side note, what you're seeing isn't the original ending. The original played out something like this:
> 
> ...until Karkat got the energy to say, "I love you." Nepeta smiled, and responded, "L'chaim." Karkat shot upright, asking, "what the fuck?" Nepeta looked at him quizically, and said, "Did I never tell you? I'm Jewish."
> 
> Karkat then turned to the camera, shrugged his shoulders, and sighed, "Oy vey!" The frame froze and the laugh track played and played, and the screen faded to black as the band began to play the outro song, and the credits began to roll.


End file.
